Kumfee Skripchurz

These copied from the Lolcat Bible; I (practice!) paraphrased some bits closer to what I thought was meant in the source:

Psalm 23


1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)  He givz me evrithin I need.

2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.
3 He makez mai soul happi an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap instead of out teh opin windo LOL.

4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch, bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.

5 He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn.

He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL.

6 Niec things an luvstuf wil chase me evrydai, an I wil liv in Ceiling Cat's houz forevr.
Psalm 91

1 Dem what iz in teh hidey patio wif Ceiling Cat iz bunkered under teh sayftee shade of All-Pwnzer

2 Sez uv Ceiling Cat, iz mah under-cowch an bukkit, an i gots trust in Him.

3 Iz gonna saev U frum teh spyderwebz an frum teh vakuum cleenr.

4 Him iz can cuvr U wif fethrs an under Hiz wings U iz safe (Ceiling Cat iz burdy?) Hiz truth is can be ur bukkit.

5 U iz not skeerd uv big skaries in nite, r the bad throwy pplz in day

6 Or chompyz or sikkyz in drkness, r of all teh boomz n skreechy wrekkrz of daytiem.

7 1000 can haz fall dwn, 10000 goz bum, but not u! Srsly.

8 U just see teh nastiez getz pwnd, k?

9 C u maded Ceiling Cat ur howz (Hez mah bukkit, Hez so kewl);

10 No bad stuffz can pwn you lol, no herpiz up in ur houz 4 real.

11 He iz making Hiz angels watch ovr u wif mad skillz, dey keepz u safe evrywhere (even in teh sanbox!)

12 Dere pawz iz holding u up so u don getz owiez.

13 U can stomp teh lions and teh poyzensnayx; sabbij lionses an trajktrukz u can squish dem wif ur paw.

14 C, he setted hiz luv on Me, Ceiling Cat, so I safe him kthx. 'He can haz top of shelf cuz he noes Mai Naym'.

15 Wen he sez 'Hay r U dere?' I be liek 'Oh, Hai!'. In teh bad tiems I be dere, I safes him an giv cookies.

16 He can haz nine liefs long as he needz, an c I haz him be safed.

PREACHIEZ UPONNA TEH MOWTN BY HAPPY CAT - exrpz fum St. Mafu Kumfeen00z:


Teh BeCatitudes

5:1 Wen He seez lotz kittehz, He climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too.  (2) He sez hai and He teaches teh kittehs, He sez:

3 Cheezburgrz 4 teh needyn00bz in spirit, theys can has teh Ceiling.

4 Cheezburgrz 4 teh sad kittehs, theys can has purry petting.

5 Cheezburgrz 4 teh m33k kittehs, theys can has teh urfs.

6 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs who sez "I can has gud, plz?", theys can has it.

7 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat no pwns, Ceiling Cat no pwnz0rz thems.

8 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs purr in hartz, theys can sees Ceiling Cat.

9 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat make 4 calmiez n 2 gif selfz spitbafs insted, Ceiling Cat is liek 'u Mai own huny babykitts.'

10 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs wut gets pwned whencuz theys tryn to be gud; Theys got Ceiling, too.

11 Cheezburgrz wen u get snarlz & kikz & "DO NOT WANT" skrambulancez 2 u, an liez abt u, coz u wurkn 4 Meh.

12 B teh happys n party, coz u can has noenda livrcookiez n kremeyz & tooneycakez n chzbrgrs n lounjin n kudlz & kissiez n happyrompz in Ceiling's Foofyfieldz . Membr teh gud ol holee kittehs b4 got treetd bad toos (but theys made teh rght choys, u betr bleevit!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6:25 so I sez, stop havin teh kittibirfs bout ur lifes, wat cheezburgerz or drinx u is havin, or about ur bodeez n how u iz furfulld. Iz life not moar importint den teh fudz, and teh bodeez moar importint den foofyz? 26 Lookit teh birdz in teh ceilingz, dey dont be in fieldz hordin up f00dz or puttin dem away in barnz, but Ceiling Cat givez dem f00dz anywayz so twete, lolz. Wat, u aint more pricy den dem? 27 U shur cant make yr life longur by havin teh kittibirf fiz bout it aniwayz.


28 And y u be havin woeiz about yr kittisootz? Lookit teh lileez in teh fieldz. Dey dont work or nuffingz 29 but Solom0n koont pwn them even with his pimp outfitz. No rly. 30 If Ceiling Cat makes teh grass all pritty, and it gets thrwn into teh 0venz 2morr0w, He kn make floofiez 4 u, u por dowtykatz. 31 So plz to be stoppin havin teh mowiwoeiz n sayin "oh noez, can i has cheezburger?" "Dey good or gotz hidy skariez? "Iz enuf or notz?" or "how much spiffyz in ma kittisoot 2dae?" 32 Bcuz onlee teh n00bz be havin kittibirfz about thees thingz, k? Ceiling Cat noez wat u need. srsly. 33 Be hunty 1st for teh kingd0m and teh duguddinessment of teh Ceiling Cat, an u can has all dese thingz. 34 So stop havin teh frikin kittibirfz and chuuyrsef woeiz bout teh f00chr bcuz it prolly g0tz mo than nuff nastiz alreddy wif0ut u pilin on xtra. 2dae pwns enuff!! Kthxbai.